Good Times with Mo,Mojo & Grace Lee (Emotional Infidelity) : January 6, 2009 blog

Notes from Fr.Joey's Diary

If the weather is good, I usually walk to my usual spot where I meditate, a grassy knoll beside the football field, a tiny corner where no one goes except perhaps the red ants that I see crawling up and down my usual seat. What I usually see is a spectacular view of the rising sun amidst the mountains in Antipolo. I just marvel at the colors that seemed to burst from the sun: pink, orange, bright yellow. Amazing.

This precious few moments of silence offer me a respite from my hectic day as a priest, teaching a full load in college and graduate school, offering my services also as a psychologist in the Health Center of the university I am affiliated with. Aside from this, I give daily masses at noon and early evening at the university chapel. It's such a busy life, and yet I can't complain because this is the life I chose to serve God.

My daily schedule has been quite altered recently. I've been waking earlier now so that after meditation and prayers, I could tune in to the Goodtimes radio show to listen to Mo, Mojo and Grace Lee for an hour or two. I am usually amused by the synergy of the three hosts. They blend well together because it seems Mo,Mojo and Grace Lee represent different view points. I also like the way Mo's mind works - I consider myself a wide reader, and yet this guy seems to find one more news event, a piece of new observation that I have not considered, a point of view that's oftentimes controversial, but very current to the pulse of the times. This helps since most of the troubled people I talk to are young people, and this show gives me a sense of what they're going through now.

I found myself laughing at today's show though. I had to laugh when I heard Mo asking his co-hosts and his audience what they'd do if they found their partner caught red-handed cheating with another person. I found Mojo's answer quite hilarious. He said he'd cut his partner's nuts and push the 'people's elbow' against the other offending party. Such violence!

If only they knew the truth. There are many kinds of adulterous behavior, but the most common kind of infidelity is not physical, but emotional.

I've been reading this book of Gary Neuman called 'Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proff your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship' and I'm struck by what he said on the first page of his book:

"All of us know that adultery - sex outside the marriage- is one of the gravest blows to a marriage as well as a painful rejection for one partner. But you don't have to have sex with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as - and at time even more - destructive to your marriage. . Studies show that 73 percent of men and 42 to 52 percent of women meet their extramarital affair partners at work.

"Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional adultery when they flirt with coworkers, send around funny e-mails to colleagues or hand out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings...

"There are ten rules for avoiding emotional infidelity:
Rule 1 : Keep It All Business at the Office
Rule 2 : Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside of the marriage
Rule 3 : Meet in groups.
Rule 4 : Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.
Rule 5 : Avoid consistency in the relationship.
Rule 6 : Don't share your personal feelings.
Rule 7 : Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.
Rule 8 : Avoid cordial hugs and kisses or dancing with members of the opposite sex
Rule 9 : Don't drink around the opposite sex.
Rule 10 : Show your commitment to your spouse daily."

I know it's tough to hear this, but Gary Neuman has nailed the issue of emotional fidelity in the head. I hope more people would read it to educate themselves about the different kinds of adultery, not only the sexual kind.

The sun has started to become quite warm, and it's a hint for me that it's almost eight in the morning. Time for me to move out from my tiny piece of paradise and get moving to the realities of the world I move in.

I listen to the three hosts of Goodtimes, and they're having such a fun time. I'm happy that this show has given some moments of happiness to a great number of people. I look up to the skies and say a prayer of thanks that this show exists - to entertain, to educate, to provoke one not to stay complacent in their stale places.

I feel the sun beating down my skin. Time to move and face the daunting realities of the day.

(Postscript: 'Notes from Fr. Joey's Diary' was inspired by the show's topic of adultery in the January 6 show today. It was quite funny how the different hosts would react if they found their partners in an adulterous situation. It's interesting to see a priest/therapist's points of view regarding adultery.Contrary to what people believe, 'emotional infidelity' is much more common today, and more harmful.

If you have a chance to grab this book, read it and take notes on Newman's ten other secrets to a great relationship with your partner.

Goodtimes!

Photos by ῨᾂῄὐἄṜ )

Good Times with Mo,Mojo & Grace Lee (Timothy Hutton's Aha! Moment : New Year Blog)

Notes from Natalie's Diary

Just before the holiday break, I was mindlessly going through my daily routine when I stopped with what I was doing when I heard that Mo was leaving for a trip to Paris for the New Year. At first I was so shocked that he could go off to Paris just like that. It felt so romantic to just drop everything and leave family and friends behind to spend holiday festivities somewhere.

I'm a singleton in her mid-30's(Bridget Jones' term for single ladies. . Oops, even referring to Bridget Jones' vocabulary sounds so dated. Ugghh!), quite attractive, yet timid with regards to new experiences, new adventures outside my comfort zone. I'm a doctor slaving away in one of the major hospitals in Makati, dedicated to my patients, a loving daughter to my parents, a loyal friend. You can say I'm one of those nerdy bookish girls who have never minded schoolbooks as their constant companion(although I bloomed when I started wearing contact lenses and my body seemed to burst from its pre-teen boyish mold to what it is now.)

I listen to Mo, Grace Lee and Mojo every morning, right before I start my rounds and I sometimes laugh crazily inside the car, by myself, listening to their show. Sometimes, the show is the only break I give myself in my daily work facing patients with serious conditions dealing with cancer (I'm an oncologist, and it's heartbreaking sometimes to deal with patients who have a few months to live).

I am content with my life. Yet, something tugged within me to break free from my regular life when I heard that Mo was going to Paris. I realized that something was missing, yet I wouldn't do anything different until I read the January 2009 issue of Oprah magazine, and I read Timothy Hutton's Aha! Moment.One mention of Paris would make me think that it's a coincidence. But finding an article again about Paris later that day made me wonder whether there must be a meaning behind the one-two punch coincidence. Was someone trying to tell me something? I read and re-read the Timothy Hutton article:

"I was 19 when I got my first passport as an adult. I had moved from California to New York City and was living out of a suitcase, staying with friends. I'd just finished filming my first movie, Ordinary People, but I didn't know whether acting was what I wanted to do with my life.

While riding the subway uptown, new passport in hand, I flipped through its pages and imagined them filled with stamps. I had a lot on my mind that day. My father had passed away two years earlier, and soon afterward I found myself working full-time as an actor, so I hadn't had time to reflect on his death. Plus, I was trying to decide whether I wanted to work on a film called Taps. I started to put a lot of pressure on myself- I had to get home and make phone calls and read the script.But then I realized I didn't have anywhere I actually needed to be; therefore, it was time to be somewhere else.

A thought came over me: I have a passport, I have my first credit card, and I have $7,000 in the bank". I figured the best thing to do with a credit card, a passport, and a lot on my mind was to head to the airport and then decide on a destination. I'd done some spontaneous things before - an occasional road trip, a last-minute weekend skiing trip but nothing like this. Yet it seemed like such a perfectly reasonable and logical thing to do.

I got out of the subway at the next stop, hailed a cab, and went straight to Kennedy Airport. I had absolutely nothing with me, just the T-shirt and jeans I was wearing. The cabbie drove me around while I looked at all the different airlines and destinations; I finally settled on Air France. That was it. I plopped down my new credit card and asked for a ticket. When the counter agent asked me if I had any luggage, I answered No. A carry-on? No. Soon I was on my way to Paris.

I took a taxi to the one French hotel I'd heard of - the Ritz, where the only room available was the $2,000-a-night Chopin suite. In three days, I'd be broke. But instead of freaking out,I booked the room and went for a long walk. I had time to think about my life, about the intense couple of years I'd just been through.

In Paris, I felt free for the first time in years. Over three days,I must have gone to almost every museum and jazz club in the city. I saw Deer Hunter and was blown away by the soundtrack and the passion of the artists involved. Things settled down, and I felt a sense of peace. I returned to New York with a depleted savings account but a good idea of what I wanted to do with my future.

That trip made me a spontaneous person. My life's different now; I have two sons and responsibilities to juggle. Just last year,I found myself on the spur-of-the-moment drive from New York to western Pennsylvania, because I had the time and a desire to be alone. What I learned at that moment on the subway 30 years ago, staring at my blank passport, was this: If you have an impulse to do something, and it's not totally irresponsible, why not do it? It might just be the journey you've always needed."

After reading this article, I thought about it for days, then I've made a decision. Three days ago, I informed my shocked family that I was about to leave for Paris for a two week vacation. I never in my life spent a vacation without my family. But to vacation alone? They looked like I needed to be tied and sent to Nutsville City. My siblings asked me a lot of questions - Was I with a tour group? No. Will I go with a friend? No. Where will you stay? At the Ritz, of course (I was able to get a small room). What do I plan to do? Walk around Paris with no schedule, and with time to think about what I really want to do with my life. Was I going to go on any side trip aside from Paris? Yes. I was going to Amsterdam for a three day tour.(They were very puzzled about my choice of Amsterdam, but I wanted to go after I heard Mo describe the city). Did I have any problems that they were not aware of, which they could help with? No, no problems. I just want to travel and explore the world by myself. It's about time.

My parents saw that I was very determined. Since they've trusted me with my choices from the beginning and I never gave them any problems, I saw the shock at their faces at first, and then after a while, I could see the trust coming back, and relief? Were they happy that I was showing my independence at last? That I could stand on my own two feet, without them worrying all the time? My parents hesitated at first,and there were a lot of tears, let me tell you. But today, the day before I leave for Paris, my father wakes up early to catch me before I left for work and without saying anything gave me an envelope with a wad of cash.

"Have a great vacation, Natalie." My father was tearful, and then hugged me. "Here are some euros for you to spend."

It was so unexpected that I embraced both my Dad and Mom.We all hugged and cried. They didn't need any explanation. I couldn't really explain in detail what I also needed to do.

"I'll be back, Dad. Two weeks is just fourteen days without you and Mom."

One thing's for sure. I needed to find my own Aha moments, try to discover that sense of wonder to my life, which I felt I lost when I was mindlessly treating patients without any real inward purpose, except to gain monetarily. There must be a better way to live. That's what I intend to answer in the next few days. Paris, here I come!!!

(Postscript: "Notes from Natalie's Diary" was inspired by Mo's recent trip to France and Amsterdam a week ago. Fortuitously, I also read about "Timothy Hutton's Aha!Moment" at the January 2009 issue of O Magazine, and wondered about the need to go out of our comfort zone and explore untapped possibilities in our life by just being open to what the universe has to offer.

Be spontaneous! Be advenurous! Think outside the box! Those are brave words as the new year unfolds. A blessed New Year to all!!

Picture of Paris courtesy of innusa. Timothy Hutton's pictures courtesy of fortunecity.com)