Notes from Mojo's Diary
October 18, 3:00 am
The mosquitoes biting me have become quite nasty, but it's almost dawn in this God-foresaken place, and I guess,those darn insects saw a fiesta when they saw me and my cute, fat behind sneaking in between parked cars.
"Hey Joseph, it's time to get going. Even the guards have gone to sleep!" My boyfriend has refused be a part of this evil, but necessary undertaking, and so, I had no choice but to enlist X, one of my FWBs (friend with benefits) to help me complete this dastardly task.
Oh yes, I planned this in minutest detail. I even asked for help in strategy and tactics from the guests last Thursday, Geoff Rodriguez and Tisha Silang, of Amazing Race 3, to listen to my plans and perhaps comment if my plans were feasible, or if I'd just fall flat on my face if I choose to proceed with what I planned to do to the Twister's car.
"It's next to impossible, Mojo Jojo. You have to have the nerves of steel to pull that prank.", Geoff looked at me with compassion. At first they laughed when they heard Mo recount the poop prank during Grace Lee's birthday, but when they saw my pained face, they stopped laughing altogether and fleetingly, I saw empathy etched in their faces.
"You have the brains to pull this off, Joseph, so you can do it! I've seen it many times in the race. Brawns will bring you in the door, but brainpower will see you through any difficulty," Tish patted me on the back.
So here I am at 3 in the morning, with cow poop in two buckets, ready to smear it all over Mo Twister's car.
I found a friend who lived in the same condominium as Mo in Eastwood, and he kindly allowed me to crash in his pad till two in the morning. From 2am on, I've gone down to the parking lot to spy on Mo's car, and seeing that it was in the same parking spot as it has always been, waited till the guards' security checks lessened to a trickle, and waited crouched in between parked cars,ready to move at a designated time.
Why am I doing this? Well, I'm just tired of Mo Twister's antics - I'm tired that he uses me as a dung repository, a target for his homophobic remarks and fat jokes, his insensitivity and general meanness.
I'm even absent next week during the celebration of his birthday. It's my version of a sit down strike, locked down, food fast against his tyranny and evil ways.
"Ok. Ready to go? " My FWB accomplice, whose name I momentarily forgot in the heat of excitement was showing ten fingers.
"Ten seconds to go?"
FWB nods. "Five, four, three, two, one. Let's ready to rrrrruuuuuuummmmmmbbbbbbblllllleeeeee...."
We ran like Navy Seals, and with precision, smeared bovine dung all over the Mohan's car. We each had a pail of cow poop and with a tiny shovel, merrily smudged, blotted, daubed brown goo all over.
"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy Birthday, happy bithday, Mohan."
"O thank you, your diva-ness," a voice replied at my back.
I turned around.It was Mo Twister, smiling, and when I was about to throw a big chunk of cow poop to knock him down, he said, "And by the way, my car's about ten parking slots from here. I hid it over there. Did you even check the plate number of this car you threw poop all over?"
"What?" My eyes seemed to pop in disbelief."And how were you able to guard this car at this unholy hour?"
"How can you underestimate Mo Twister, the techno-freak? Of course I have a tiny camera installed in my parking space in case you put a stunt like this." He looked at my back and gloated, "I exchanged parking spaces with a dude who had a similar car as me.By the way,here comes the owner of car poop!"
The ground seemed to be shaking when a six foot tall behemoth thundered towards me screaming.
"What did you do to my car?" he screeched as I felt him pummel me with Manny Paquiao punches.
I fell, and saw the Mohan just laughing by the side, not even helping me. My FWB was nowhere in sight, that retarded coward.
The Twister couldn't seem to stop laughing, and kneeled beside me unable to stop, his body in convulsions.
"Hey dude," he addressed the other car owner whose car was now wrapped in cemented poop."Let's wash it down with water. No worries, this will disappear in 30 minutes. What do you say? Hey, calm down. Want a gum while we think about the best way to do this?"
The car owner was still ranting and raving like a crazed maniac all over the parking lot, but he seemed to calm down when he saw Mo beside me, finally calm after laughing his head off.
I saw Mo give the car owner a couple of his favorite gum, but I suddenly waved my hand towards Mo.
"Don't give that gum to him," I pleaded.
"Why?" Mo turned to me, happily chewing.
"I poisoned all your favorite gum."
"Really?" Mo said, but he suddenly swooned and swayed and fell beside me.
"It's not really poison, Mo. You'll just be unconscious for five minutes then you'll fall into a deep sleep."
Thus, we spent the early dawn of Mo's birthday, both sprawled on his parking space, catatonic and almost dead, just because it all started with Mojo's evil poop prank during Grace Lee's birthday.
When will it end? I'm so exhausted and paranoid, checking on what I eat, what I sit on, what I wear, what's underneath my car. I'm just ready to bury the hatchet.
"Hey, Mohan. Happy Birthday!"
He didn't move, and then I kicked him in the behind.
"What?" He slowly stirred.
"Happy Birthday, you homophobic, evil. . " but then I stopped."Can this be your last prank? I'm so tired of hating you.Friends?" I asked.
"I'll try, but I won't promise it's the last."
"Okay." But I'm afraid he didn't hear me. He was fast asleep, the sound coming from him sounding like a train derailed by a 747. Where did I hear that sound? Oh yeah, he sounds just like his dog.
I wanted to kill him the whole week after that poop prank, but after pulling this car poop prank, I didn't really feel good after the retaliation.
We talked last Thursday about auditioning for next season's Amazing Race Asia, and if we pass the auditions and we do get to compete, we'll have a lot of fun, a lot of fights, a lot of similar scenes like this.
Ooohhh, this guy definitely has an evil sense of humor. But you know what? It's harmless, really. I touched the poop for perhaps two seconds. Perhaps the poop experience is a way to anesthesize myself for bigger challenges in the future? Swim in a vat of dung? Eat killer bees?
What doesn't kill me will make me stronger? A mantra to follow via Mo Twister's wise ways?
I look at him, snoring like a babe. You know what? I love him like a brother and I forgive him for that poop prank.
"Happy Birthday, you evil, farting, homophobic. . ." but then I stop again and smile.
I do. I really forgive him. It's time to move on. Geoff and Tisha, move over. Mo and Mojo Jojo will win Amazing Race 4, wait and see. That's if we pass the audtions :)
(Postscipt: Geoff Rodriguez and Tisha Silang were the guests of Goodtimes today. As they bantered around the booth, Mo recounted the poop prank he played on Mojo. They all laughed but I detected some hurt feelings from Mojo.
While Geoff and Tisha were recounting their experiences as finalists in the Amazing Race 3 show, talking about tactics to get ahead, I wondered what would have happened if Mojo asked these two for some tips on how to retaliate the poop prank.
The results are hilarious and a tale worthy of a bad ass James Bond movie.In the end, pranks are practical jokes that can be good natured or malicious depending on who the victim is. I truly felt bad for Mojo, and in one way or another, Mo had his comeuppance in this fictional tale.Go Mojo!
'Notes from Mojo's Diary' is a work of fiction, and thus Mojo's thoughts and reflections on this blog do not reflect the real Mojo's views, but from the imagination and point of view of this blogger. Goodtimes!)
