Notes from Natalie's Diary
Just before the holiday break, I was mindlessly going through my daily routine when I stopped with what I was doing when I heard that Mo was leaving for a trip to Paris for the New Year. At first I was so shocked that he could go off to Paris just like that. It felt so romantic to just drop everything and leave family and friends behind to spend holiday festivities somewhere.
I'm a singleton in her mid-30's(Bridget Jones' term for single ladies. . Oops, even referring to Bridget Jones' vocabulary sounds so dated. Ugghh!), quite attractive, yet timid with regards to new experiences, new adventures outside my comfort zone. I'm a doctor slaving away in one of the major hospitals in Makati, dedicated to my patients, a loving daughter to my parents, a loyal friend. You can say I'm one of those nerdy bookish girls who have never minded schoolbooks as their constant companion(although I bloomed when I started wearing contact lenses and my body seemed to burst from its pre-teen boyish mold to what it is now.)
I listen to Mo, Grace Lee and Mojo every morning, right before I start my rounds and I sometimes laugh crazily inside the car, by myself, listening to their show. Sometimes, the show is the only break I give myself in my daily work facing patients with serious conditions dealing with cancer (I'm an oncologist, and it's heartbreaking sometimes to deal with patients who have a few months to live).
I am content with my life. Yet, something tugged within me to break free from my regular life when I heard that Mo was going to Paris. I realized that something was missing, yet I wouldn't do anything different until I read the January 2009 issue of Oprah magazine, and I read Timothy Hutton's Aha! Moment.One mention of Paris would make me think that it's a coincidence. But finding an article again about Paris later that day made me wonder whether there must be a meaning behind the one-two punch coincidence. Was someone trying to tell me something? I read and re-read the Timothy Hutton article:
"I was 19 when I got my first passport as an adult. I had moved from California to New York City and was living out of a suitcase, staying with friends. I'd just finished filming my first movie, Ordinary People, but I didn't know whether acting was what I wanted to do with my life.
While riding the subway uptown, new passport in hand, I flipped through its pages and imagined them filled with stamps. I had a lot on my mind that day. My father had passed away two years earlier, and soon afterward I found myself working full-time as an actor, so I hadn't had time to reflect on his death. Plus, I was trying to decide whether I wanted to work on a film called Taps. I started to put a lot of pressure on myself- I had to get home and make phone calls and read the script.But then I realized I didn't have anywhere I actually needed to be; therefore, it was time to be somewhere else.
A thought came over me: I have a passport, I have my first credit card, and I have $7,000 in the bank". I figured the best thing to do with a credit card, a passport, and a lot on my mind was to head to the airport and then decide on a destination. I'd done some spontaneous things before - an occasional road trip, a last-minute weekend skiing trip but nothing like this. Yet it seemed like such a perfectly reasonable and logical thing to do.
I got out of the subway at the next stop, hailed a cab, and went straight to Kennedy Airport. I had absolutely nothing with me, just the T-shirt and jeans I was wearing. The cabbie drove me around while I looked at all the different airlines and destinations; I finally settled on Air France. That was it. I plopped down my new credit card and asked for a ticket. When the counter agent asked me if I had any luggage, I answered No. A carry-on? No. Soon I was on my way to Paris.
I took a taxi to the one French hotel I'd heard of - the Ritz, where the only room available was the $2,000-a-night Chopin suite. In three days, I'd be broke. But instead of freaking out,I booked the room and went for a long walk. I had time to think about my life, about the intense couple of years I'd just been through.
In Paris, I felt free for the first time in years. Over three days,I must have gone to almost every museum and jazz club in the city. I saw Deer Hunter and was blown away by the soundtrack and the passion of the artists involved. Things settled down, and I felt a sense of peace. I returned to New York with a depleted savings account but a good idea of what I wanted to do with my future.
That trip made me a spontaneous person. My life's different now; I have two sons and responsibilities to juggle. Just last year,I found myself on the spur-of-the-moment drive from New York to western Pennsylvania, because I had the time and a desire to be alone. What I learned at that moment on the subway 30 years ago, staring at my blank passport, was this: If you have an impulse to do something, and it's not totally irresponsible, why not do it? It might just be the journey you've always needed."
After reading this article, I thought about it for days, then I've made a decision. Three days ago, I informed my shocked family that I was about to leave for Paris for a two week vacation. I never in my life spent a vacation without my family. But to vacation alone? They looked like I needed to be tied and sent to Nutsville City. My siblings asked me a lot of questions - Was I with a tour group? No. Will I go with a friend? No. Where will you stay? At the Ritz, of course (I was able to get a small room). What do I plan to do? Walk around Paris with no schedule, and with time to think about what I really want to do with my life. Was I going to go on any side trip aside from Paris? Yes. I was going to Amsterdam for a three day tour.(They were very puzzled about my choice of Amsterdam, but I wanted to go after I heard Mo describe the city). Did I have any problems that they were not aware of, which they could help with? No, no problems. I just want to travel and explore the world by myself. It's about time.
My parents saw that I was very determined. Since they've trusted me with my choices from the beginning and I never gave them any problems, I saw the shock at their faces at first, and then after a while, I could see the trust coming back, and relief? Were they happy that I was showing my independence at last? That I could stand on my own two feet, without them worrying all the time? My parents hesitated at first,and there were a lot of tears, let me tell you. But today, the day before I leave for Paris, my father wakes up early to catch me before I left for work and without saying anything gave me an envelope with a wad of cash.
"Have a great vacation, Natalie." My father was tearful, and then hugged me. "Here are some euros for you to spend."
It was so unexpected that I embraced both my Dad and Mom.We all hugged and cried. They didn't need any explanation. I couldn't really explain in detail what I also needed to do.
"I'll be back, Dad. Two weeks is just fourteen days without you and Mom."
One thing's for sure. I needed to find my own Aha moments, try to discover that sense of wonder to my life, which I felt I lost when I was mindlessly treating patients without any real inward purpose, except to gain monetarily. There must be a better way to live. That's what I intend to answer in the next few days. Paris, here I come!!!
(Postscript: "Notes from Natalie's Diary" was inspired by Mo's recent trip to France and Amsterdam a week ago. Fortuitously, I also read about "Timothy Hutton's Aha!Moment" at the January 2009 issue of O Magazine, and wondered about the need to go out of our comfort zone and explore untapped possibilities in our life by just being open to what the universe has to offer.
Be spontaneous! Be advenurous! Think outside the box! Those are brave words as the new year unfolds. A blessed New Year to all!!
Picture of Paris courtesy of innusa. Timothy Hutton's pictures courtesy of fortunecity.com)
