Notes from Mo’s Diary
October 28, 2008, 1am
I’ve been standing around my pad for the past half hour, frozen like a bear in the middle of the Arctic Ocean when it realizes that the ice floes he has crossed on many times is now water. The polar caps have melted. He is stranded, lost and bewildered, with no place to go.
I’m home and yet not home. The clutter around my pad has started to annoy me, and many of the things I have around reflect a part of me that really belongs to a different time, a different place. Perhaps the garbage bin?
I see a Phoebe Cates poster behind the bed, and look at it fondly, for about thirty seconds. And then I realize that it’s a fifteen year old picture bought when I was in high school.Sweet Jesus! I have just turned 31 a few weeks ago, and time is a marching, brother! It was in marathon mode, while I sought cover from Father Time , dragging myself like glue, uphill.
I’ve been in this funk ever since I came back from Hong Kong and Macau. I noticed that our hotel room, though it was small in area, was so luxurious and yet functional, that I’ve wanted to copy the whole set-up to my own pad.
I now realize why it can’t happen in a million years. The hotel room didn’t have a fish tank as big as the gift given by Magic for my birthday.
Uhmm. . should I take it away then? But I like a room with a fish tank.
Perhaps I really need one of those fag hag friends of Mojo to help me with the redecoration?
Oh my. . . The thought of anyone invading my pad even if it’s to rehaul my personal space sickens me.I needed to sit and looked for the nearest chair.
As soon as I sat down, I jumped up again. I looked at the chair, and there was a Feng Shui and Health book Grace Lee sent me to help me out with the ‘ flow of energy’ of my home. Like the belief in ghosts, I don’t believe in this crap. (Which reminds me, I hate seeing all those television documentaries about ghosts and evil spirits now that November 1 is nearing. Hate it!)
Nevertheless, in case Grace Lee quizzes me on the artful placement of my furniture and to take away my mind from the chaos surrounding me, I opened a random page, and the title almost shouted at me: “Space Clearing and Clutter Reduction.”
“Review the thing you might have collected or stored under your bed. Old clothes you wore when you were ten pounds lighter, letters and photos that depict old times. These kinds of collectibles have very strong energy fields around them because they were imprinted with emotional energy; they can retain their original charge for a lifetime.” Holy S.
Ghosts are intangible roaming spirits while clothes and pictures and bed hangers are tangible ball breakers with emotional energies retained for a lifetime. Good Lord!
If my basketball buddies see me with this book, I’ll be called a wuss forever more.
Girls!!!!
Why are men and women so different?
I look over at my desk and look at my laptop. I sigh. I see the one constant thing that can’t be rehauled, refurbished, redecorated . . unless I sell it, or it gets stolen or it disintegrates because of old age. Men get crazy with computers, and women don’t. Why is that, I wonder?
What else drives the missus or the girlfriends insane? Men can amuse themselves with the remote on one hand and a beer on the other and zone out completely, not needing female companionship.
What else, what else? Oooh. A new car. There’s something about wheels, and shiny chrome that make our hearts palpitate, our mouths salivate like rabid dogs.
Girls? There’s nothing outside the family that excites them to bits. You don’t see women drinking around with their beer buddies, or slutting around for a new set of wheels. Girls go to the spa on occasion, the parlor ..uhmm.. maybe once a month? Girls are happiest when they can cuddle and talk about their day. Men go into their caves and never go out.
Women are a mystery. I log in to my favorite website Askmen.com and type in this question – “What Do Women Want?”Amazingly, Askmen.com has an answer, and when I looked at it I almost turned violet. Dance with her?
I read the answers again.
“1.Return her messages. Many women gauge a man’s interest level by how long it takes him to respond when she contacts him. If his response time is poor, she might assume he’s just not that into her.This doesn’t mean you have to send an e-mail or a text of epic proportions if you don’t have time; a sentence or two will suffice to make her feel like you care -- which is all she really wants to know.
2.Kiss her for no reason. As much as they love sex, women also enjoy a nice, deep kiss that doesn’t have any strings attached. This serves two purposes: It lets her indulge in kissing for the sheer pleasure of it, and it also tells her you want her, and not just sex. Yes, you’re charming and sexy and she loves being naughty for you, but sometimes she needs a different type of connection. To really do what women want from men, try a surprise kiss for no reason at all; she’ll love you for it. Combine this with a little hand-holding and she’ll be smiling for days.
3.Dance with her. Simply put, dancing with a woman makes her feel special. Unfortunately, most men are reluctant to put their dancing shoes on, especially in a public setting. Guess what? While she’d probably welcome the idea, you don’t need to visit a nightclub to dance with your woman. She’ll be just as thrilled if you slipped a little Marvin Gaye on and danced with her in the living room. This would actually be to your advantage, as you have total control over the music. You’re also conveniently located if the dancing starts to get dirty…
4. Dress up for her. Dressing up to take your woman out is an excellent way to impress her. It’s not about the clothes; it’s about the fact that you find her worth dressing up for. It lets her know that you think she’s worth that kind of effort. Besides, a nice shirt and dress pants can increase your sex appeal by leaps and bounds; you may feel overdressed, but your hotness factor will have magnified exponentially. It’s true what they say: Women really do love a sharp-dressed man.”
I sigh. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
I remember this ground-breaking book when I thought about the differences in men and women. I still had some questions though, and I look it up in the Internet. Whoa! John Gray is still whupping it up with a dozen more books in the Mars-Venus series. This guy must have made a gazillion bucks just studying the difference between men and women.
According to Gray in his latest book 'Why Mars & Venus Collide',“men’s brains might have developed the way they did because cavemen and cavewomen had very defined roles to ensure their survival. Our male ancestors hunted and needed to travel long distance in pursuit of game. A man had to depend on himself to find his way home.
Our female ancestors gathered food near the home and cared for the children. They formed strong emotional attachments to their children and other women, on whom they depended when the men were hunting.
A woman’s brain has a larger corpus callosum, the bundle of nerves that connects the right and left hemispheres of the brain. This link, which produces cross-talk between the hemispheres, is 25 percent smaller in men. I practical terms, this means men do not connect feelings and thoughts as readily as women do. In a very real sense, women have superhighways connecting their feelings to speech, while men have back roads with plenty of stop signs.
Men separate information, emotions and perceptions into separate compartments in their brains, while women tend to link their experiences together, reacting to multiple issues with their whole brain.”
All that information was enough to give me a brain freeze. Wow! No wonder women yak, while men retreat. How about the gays then?
I was suddenly tired of the subject and needed a change. I opened my Yahoo mail and I open the messages of friends and relatives first. After that, I opened the mail from fans. Most were gushy messages pledging everlasting love and devotion to me. Whoa, what’s this? The last e-mail was from a young flat-chested lady who wanted a boob job donated to her.
I read the e-mail but could not finish it. I was excited. I wanted Mojo and Grace Lee to read this e-mail with me. What if each of us donated to fund this girl’s dream, ask a couple of doctor friends to donate their PF’s, perhaps ask some listeners too?
This would be so interesting. .
I hear a snore that sounded like 747 crashing on a derailed train. I look at my dog sleeping soundly on my bed.
3 am. Time to sleep. I then hear a sudden roll of drums playing by my window. I look out. Fireworks seemed to light up the sky. Thunder, rain and lightning! What a perfect way to start the day.
(Postscipt: Many of the topics in this blog were discussed by Professor Mo in the Goodtimes show today, specifically Askmen.com's "What Women Want"; old posters (from teenhood)that are needed to be banished to space; Mo's expressed desire to transform his pad into a luxurious hotel room like the rooms they were billeted to in China; differences between men and women and lastly, the mysterious girl who needed some bosom enhancement from a cosmetic surgeon.
I imagined what it would be like to give the Twister a book on Feng Shui for tips on how to decorate his home. I'd imagine he'll toss it aside as useless.
I also cited the groundbreaking book of Dr. John Gray "Why Mars and Venus Collide" to further stress the key differences between men and women.
Notes from Mo's Diary is a work of fiction, and thus Mo's thoughts and reflections on this blog do not reflect the real Mo Twister's views, but comes from the imagination and point of view of this blogger. Goodtimes!)
