Notes from Emmanuelle's Diary
It's past three in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. I've been to so many Christmas parties the past days, my head's spinning from a combination of too much alcohol and non-stop dancing. In the past years, I would head straight to bed and crash, wake up and go to work the next day, the previous night's revelry forgotten like discarded holiday gift trimmings.
For the past weeks though, I can't sleep when I get home and I find myself tossing and turning until I end up awake till I see dawn breaking. I usually hear the Goodtimes program with Mo, Mojo and Grace Lee at 899 and know that it's six in the morning.
Thank God for that show. I end up laughing my ass off, and for a few moments I forget about why I've been restless and seemingly unhappy, despite the constant partying this holiday season.
I've been bothered by feeling blue that I've taken a leave of absence from work this year. I kinda thought I deserved a 'spiritual bonus', a time to be quiet, a time to reflect on the year just past. Despite the enormous blessings heaped upon me this year as a very successful corporate grunt, I was determined to find out why I can't seem to be happy and just be grateful for what I have.
Perhaps this is not the life I want for myself? What is it that I want then?
I stumbled upon this book of Iyanla Vanzant called "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up" and I was struck by a line that I read when I flipped through her book randomly - "It is sometimes very difficult to see yourself beyond where you are now in this moment. It is even more challenging to figure out how you will get there. Daydreaming or visualizing is one of the many possible ways to expand the view of your life."
Hmmm. . daydreaming?. . sounds interesting. .
Vanzant continues, "Unfortunately, Grandma warned me about daydreaming. She said it was a waste of time, and that I had too much work to do to waste daydreaming. That made me a bit skeptical of thinking too much, dreaming too much, wasting any time at all. Instead, I worked. I worked to get educated. I worked to build a career, I worked to save and buy all the things I was afraid to dream about."
That sounds mighty familiar. I read on, " At the onset of my spiritual journey, I learned to visualize, to see something in my mind and accept it as my reality. I learned not to judge what I wanted but to believe it. I learned not to expend effort and struggle, but to trust and believe. In some cases, the results were remarkable. Things would just show up in my life. Situations would work out. Obstacles would be removed. People would change or disappear, leaving me in peace or shock, depending on the situation. Unfortunately, visualization didn't seem to work all the time. I would hit and then miss with my mental picturing before I could hit it again.
"Where did I want my life to go? What did I want my life to look like? What I really want in life? I kept changing my mind, perhaps that is why many things did not happen. There were many things I asked for, only to discover they were not exactly what I had in mind. How are you supposed to ask for something if you are not really sure what it is? How do you grow into your highest potential if you do not know what that portential is?
"The purpose of this life and all of its experiences is not to make ourselves what we think should be. It is to unfold as what we already are. We are already powerful, divine, wise, human beings. We are that way because of the spirit of the Divine within us. That spirit is always seeking expression.
" We are the vehicles of that expression. As our life's experiences play out, our responsibility is to live up to thee inherent qualities of the Divine. In this way, we will grow into our spiritual nature, expand the vision of ourselves and discover the meaning of life. In order to do this, we must bring ourselves into alignment with divine will and divine purpose. In other words, we must do what it is that the Divine has sent us here to do. I didn't like the thought of that. What if God wanted me to do something I did not want to do. There I was wanting what I wanted again. Holding onto what I thought was right again. Refusing to grow or expand beyond my own limited view of myself into the divine view God held of me and for me."
Oh my God. That sounds like my situation. I always felt that I was right, and yet why was I so unhappy? Perhaps I should expand myself into the divine view. But what was the divine view for me?
"I have usually begged and pleaded with God to get me out of this or that situation. I had never asked to be kept out of all situations. That is what expansion is about. Expanding your view of who you are and what you deserve to such a degree that you never find yourself in limiting situations again. Now here's the key. RATHER THAN TELLING GOD WHAT YOU WANT, ASK GOD TO SHOW YOU WHAT IS IN STORE FOR YOU, AND THEN ASK FOR GUIDANCE IN DEVELOPING IN YOURSELF WHATEVER QUALITIES AND CHARACTERISTICS WILL BE NECESSARY TO MAKE GOD'S VISION OF YOU AND FOR YOU YOUR REALITY. That is the difference between visualizing and visioning. Telling God what you want and being willing to expand into what God already has for you.
"We owe it to the Divine to expand our sense of what we can do. I now realize that there have been many situations in my life in which I have fought to hold onto reasons and excuses for not being whare I wanted to be. It is always easier to blame others. It is even easier to find a perfectly logical excuse for not growing, expanding, or being all that you want to be.
" One day I decided to take a risk. You must be willing to risk losing everything if you are serious in getting anything. I risked my life, my resources, my need to be right. and the fear of being afraid, and asked God to show me myself as God saw me. The vision was so spectacular I have spent twelve years of my life running to keep up with all the good things that have been happening. And you know what? None of what I am experiencing is what I asked for, and all of it is better than I would have ever dared to ask for, It is called expansion into the Divine."
Whew! What a nice Christmas and New Year message! I look into the mirror near me, and look at my own reflection. Am I ready to expand, and to ask God to show me as myself as God saw me? It was very scary, but I need to step into the unknown to find the deepest riches of what was in store for me.
The fireworks display has started and I look up. For this year, I'm ready to flash and pop in mid-air, like these dizzying mixture of nitrates and percholates in front of me popping into a rainbow of color up in the air, dazzling the crowds.
I am ready to expand my life. 2010, here I come!
(Many thanks to richardcox for the photo above. A blessed Christmas and a joyous Christmas to all the readers of this blog. Honor Life by Expansion!)
